[Insert Capsize/Sink/Disaster pun here]
a review of Poseidon by Keith on June 28, 2006
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Cast and Crew | |
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Director | |
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Robert Ramsey | |
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Dylan Johns | |
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Richard Nelson | |
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Maggie James | |
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Jennifer Ramsey | |
I'm at a slight disadvantage reviewing this remake because I've yet to see the original. Still, I know that this was an unnecessary-unwanted-unrequested-uncalled-for remake-revisitation-reimagining-regurgitation.
I'm guessing those 70s disaster movies were so great because they had characters you cared about in extreme situations. In Poseidon, I didn't care about anything other than how much longer it was until I could go watch another movie. There are slight spoilers below, but they shouldn't matter because if you can, go watch Titanic.
The protagonist of our production is one Robert Ramsey (Russell), an ex-firefighter/ex-mayor/current-father to Jennifer (Rossum) who is keeping a secret from dear ol' dad regarding her boyfriend (Mike Vogel). Little to nothing is mentioned of the missing wife-mother; I suppose she died years earlier (lucky her).
Dylan Johns (Lucas) is a professional gambler (I guess) travelling on this ill-fated ship in hopes of making money off drunk, nostalgic rich guys. Speaking of--Richard Nelson (Dreyfuss) is a drunk, nostalgic possibly rich gay guy who is heartbroken since his partner left him for someone else.
As the clock gets closer to midnight, Richard waits for his ex-lover to call him, since apparently they never spent New Year's together but always called each other. He orders a several-thousand dollar bottle of wine for his table and then proceeds to the deck to get the best cell reception. When midnight passes and no one calls, Richard is ready to do a serious dine-and-dash but stops after seeing a rogue wave. Duhn-duhn-DUUUUHN!
After the ship flips, we meet Maggie (Barrett) and her son Conor (Jimmy Bennett). Maggie's here to give Dylan someone to flirt with and Conor's here 'cause every tragedy needs a kid! Elena (Mia Maestro) is a stowaway getting a free ride fnar fnar with Valentin (Freddy Rodríguez) a kitchen worker who really knows his way around the ship. Last, but certainly not least, is Lucky Larry (Kevin Dillon) an obnoxious womanizer doing his best Matt Dillon impersonation.
And there, I've spent more time describing the characters than the movie does. Why watch a small group of people trying to survive when you know and care so little about them? I mentioned Titanic above. By the time the ship actually went down, you knew and cared about everyone, so it was dramatic. Of course this movie is all about what happens after the ship goes over, but you still need some more dimension in your characters! Sure I'm writing this 4.5 weeks after watching it, but even the day after I wouldn't have remembered any of these names.
The most frustrating plot hole (and my final words on this "film") is the character of Richard. The loss of his love made him so miserable, he wanted to kill himself. Yet once he realized the ship was in danger, he wanted to do anything possible to live (even kill other survivors). What?!
D+ Although I think even that's pretty generous"At least they got the first 3 letters right"