Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Secret of Zelda

Zelda, an unfortunate, yet common, German name with a cool short version; a once famous 'singer.'

Ask yourself, Who is the president of Hyrule? Think harder.

Under Hyrule law, that title goes to those who kill a giant evil pig, with silver arrows and a magic sword, thus ending a long period of slavery, while secretly plotting to profit from this seemingly heroic, pseudo-selfless deed.

Attach:Lincoln.gif Δ | Link = Lincoln

Here is a hint. Ever notice that greedy Link (Lincoln) keeps the money and women all to himself?

He thought that he could fly solo and therefore receive 100% of the reward, plus whatever princesses are involved - eight in A Link to the Past.

In fact, it is easy to find even more parrellels between Lincoln of Hyrule, and Lincoln of America.

In the ninteenth century (1800's) Americans kept money in grass banks until Abe came and found (looted) them.

My heart sank upon learning that the famous and beloved Zelda franchise theme song is merely a near note for note copy of Abraham Lincoln's personal theme song, Down by the pond.

Years after its infamous release, HAXORZ disassembled Zelda, and found a subtle hint: an unused cut-scene in which our hero contemplates suicide, and at one point shouts his full birth name: Lincoln Samson Hurcules Beatles IV.

Every notice Link's uncle is Mario (See A Link to the Past)? This acknowledges that Link is Italian-American (Like us! Omgomg). And that Mario preceded Link. No Mario, no Link.

In other words, Zelda, Mario and USA are all linked. And therefore, matching all the clues forms a solid picture of the future. In the correct interpretation lies potential world domination.

But who among us is brave enough to do the tedious math? Someone with a degree in science? Ahem.

Who among you millions of internet users can figure it out? USA! USA! Do not let some 3^rd world country beat you to it. Because they have internet. They steal it.

Hidden racism? Anti-American agenda? Matrix of porn? Launch codes? Miyamoto's game-making password? Door to another universe? Nothing? Key to immortality? Ostrich staircase lifeguard poppy pasta hedgehog diplomats?

Only you, dear gentle reader, hold the master key to unlocking the universe's most terrifying secret. I, in my lofty, respectible laziness - I mean business, have, um, more to do.

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